Now that every movie
since the Eisenhower administration has been remade and/or digitally
enhanced, it’s time for Hollywood
to go back to making sequels—films featuring the same old
characters that no one gives a damn about anymore. Here, then,
is a list of actually planned sequels, all of which will prove
to be yet another nail in the coffin of originality.
Planned for 2004, this will be the fourth film in the Benji series.
It will also be the last. You see, Benji cannot speak, rap
or sling insults at other dogs or human beings. And if there’s
one thing today’s kids won’t stand for, it’s
an animal that can’t converse. Sadly, there are still
some breeds of dog who are verbally-challenge, which nowadays
is seen as lack of cool, not lack of accommodating genetics.
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
The new Charlie’s Angels is sure to be much better than
its predecessor because this one is going at full throttle—not
half, or even one-quarter throttle. Who knows to what dizzying
speeds these ladies will take us. This sequel could actually
break the sound barrier, or maybe even escape Earth’s gravitational
pull. But the real action here is to see whether or not Demi
Moore’s role will do for her comeback what the same "bad
girl" cameo did for Kelly Lynch’s career in the original.
Child’s Play 5: Seed of Chucky
The world needs another Child’s Play movie like it needs
another David E. Kelley law dramedy. It has been rumored that
this potential sequel could possibly be, are you ready, a "spoof." I
don’t know which is more insulting: the intimation that
the first four films were serious, or the fact that Brad Dourif,
a fine character actor (he played Billy in One Flew Over the
Cuckoo’s Nest) may reprise his role as the voice of Chucky.
The Goonies II
Sloth love sequel. Actually, the only thing holding up this Richard
Donner project from going into full-fledged production is that
studio executives can’t remember which one of the Corey’s
starred in the first one, Haim or Feldman. After several viewings,
however, it was determined to be Will Wheaton.
Havana Nights: Dirty Dancing II
This sequel to the smash ’80s hit will apparently take
place in Cuba in the ’50s. You know what, who really cares?
This could turn out to be the most irrelevant movie ever made.
All one needs to know is that Patrick Swayze has been touting
this film as The Empire Strikes Back of Dirty Dancing sequels.
Jurassic Park IV
When Jurassic Park opened in 1993, it rekindled the world’s
dormant fascination with dinosaurs. With the release of Jurassic
Park II, that fascination gave way to boredom. By the third installment,
the boredom succumbed to anger and resentment. Then, when velociraptors
appeared accompanying President Kennedy’s motorcade in
the digitally enhanced Zapruder film, people had had quite enough.
With the release of Jurassic Park IV, set for 2005, I expect
Romancing the Stone III
No derivation of the word "romance" should in any
way be attached to a possible Michael Douglas-Kathleen Turner
reunion. Seeing those two steam it up in 1984 was intoxicating;
to watch them bump and grind in 2004, you’d have to be
intoxicated. The thought is less appealing than imagining Henry
Fonda and Katharine Hepburn doing the nasty in a cabin by the
lake. While it’s uncertain whether or not Turner or Danny
DeVito will actually be returning, Michael Douglas is reported
to be in "serious talks."
Under Seige III
I want to know who had the unmitigated seagal to propose this
sequel idea! Apparently Steven is already having trouble garnering
any interest in this film, even from his closest friends. When
invited to attend the premiere, the Dali Lama weaseled out
by citing schedule conflicts. But he promised he’d try
to catch it on cable in some future lifetime.
Choose Rocky’s next opponent from the sequels above. Check
one only, please!
Rocky vs. Benji: This could become an instant Disney
classic if they can only find a southpaw terrier.
Rocky vs. Chucky: They could offset the inherent silliness
by making it a charity event.
Rocky vs. a dinosaur: Not a T-Rex, one of the smaller
ones to make it realistic.
Rocky vs. The Goonies: Unfortunately there will be no Rocky vs. Anne Ramsey, as she was thrown from the proverbial
train in 1998.
Rocky vs. Patrick Swayze: This could also be called Road House II.
Rocky vs. Charlie’s Angels: Not really a fair
fight since these girls know karate.