’80s movies established some of the most enduring tropes in movies.
We love them so much we committed them to 10 Commandments form, so all followers of ’80s movies can honor them.
Here are the 10 Commandments of ’80s Movies, with apologies to God.
I. Thou Shalt Have No Other Gods Before Me
’80s movies flirted with all kinds of supernatural elements, but tended to pay a lot of respect to Judeo-Christian traditions: Vampires were scared of crosses and holy water, people prayed pretty often, and things tended to end badly for adulterers.
Raiders of the Lost set the tone in 1981: Indiana Jones spends an incredible amount of time trying to outwit Belloq, the Nazi collaborator archaeologist who is always stealing the artifacts Indy takes pains to locate.
But for all the time Indy spends punching out Nazis, they’re ultimately defeated by God himself, when they make the very stupid mistake of opening the Ark and keeping their eyes open.
II. Thou Shalt Not Make Unto Thee Any Graven Image, Because That’s Kenner’s Job
The modern movie toy tie-ins that began with 1977’s Star Wars exploded in the 1980s, as any film with franchise potential came with a barrage of cool toys.
How serious a business were toys? Mel Brooks recounted in his memoir, All About Me!, that when he made his Star Wars parody Spaceballs, he showed the script to George Lucas, who had but one request.
“He explained that if I made toys of my Spaceball characters they would look a lot like Star Wars action figures,” Brooks wrote. “And that would be a no-no for his lawyers and his studio’s business affairs department. So he gave me his blessing to make my funny satiric takeoff on Star Wars as long as I promised that I would not sell any action figures.”
That led to the scene in Spaceballs where one of Brooks’ characters, Yogurt, reveals his secret weapon:
“Merchandising! Merchandising is where the real money from the movie is made! Spaceballs the T-shirt! Spaceballs the coloring book! Spaceballs the lunchbox! Spaceballs the breakfast cereal! Spaceballs the flame thrower! The kids really love that one.”
III. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of the Lord in Vain
Instead of taking the Lord’s name in vain, ’80s movies offered a slow of original insults including spazz, chode, dweeb, numb nuts, and many, many more.
Some of them would not be cool in today’s enlightened, anti-bullying climate.
Others hold up remarkably well, like Steve Martin’s barrage of insults in The Three Amigos: “You dirt-eating piece of smile, you scum-sucking pig, you son of a motherless goat!”
IV. Remember the Dance, to Keep It Holy
Some towns in ’80s movies didn’t allow dancing, and that was great — because they got to make a whole movie about it, called Footloose.
But ’80s movies had plenty of other amazing dances, where everything came together beautifully — like the big one in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the Pretty in Pink prom where Andie (Molly Ringwald) wears the color in the title, and the prom in Just One of the Guys where Terri (Joyce Hyser) reveals she’s a girl. And of course the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance where Marty McFly plays wingman for his parents in Back to the Future. (We know, technically it was in the ’50s).
There was no more important time in an ’80s movie than the night of the big dance. Heck, even Footloose ended up with a big dance scene once the grown-ups finally saw the light. Which brings us to our next commandment:
V. Honor They Father and Mother Even Though They Aren’t as Smart as You
It was a law of ’80s movies that kids and teens were smarter than adults — and better people, too.
“When you grow up, your heart dies,” as Ally Sheedy’s Allison Reynolds taught us all in The Breakfast Club.
’80s movies also taught us that kids and teens are better than adults at playing hooky (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), almost starting and then preventing nuclear wars (WarGames), designing toys (Big), and even saving marriages (Back to the Future.)
VI. Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, Especially While Inhabiting Someone Else’s Body
There were a lot of body switch movies in the ’80s, from Like Father Like Son to 18 Again! to Vice Versa.
While ’80s movies had some dubious ideas about consent — including, sometimes, not understanding the concept — one merciful thing about every ’80s movie involving a body switch was that no one ever tried to get busy with anyone else while inhabiting anybody else. Kudos, ’80s movies.
Also, ’80s movies were kind of anti-adultery even while inhabiting your own body, as anyone who’s seen Fatal Attraction can attest. See also: The 10 Most Dangerous Female Stalkers in Film.
Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Saying Something Funny
There were lots of muscle-bound action heroes in the ’80s, sure, but what separated the men from the boys was the ability to quip.
Why even bother to kill someone if you aren’t going to also drop a great one-liner, like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s in Commando, when asked what happened to the guy he was hanging over a cliff:
“I let him go.”
Eddie Murphy may have been the best action-hero comedian, but Schwarzenegger was the best comedian action star.
Thou Shalt Not Steal or a Robot Cop Will Come Get You
Sometimes you have to steal something. For example, if you were writing a movie in the ’80s, you might steal the idea for 1976’s Freaky Friday, but with a father and son switching bodies instead of a mother and daughter.
But if you steal something, please make sure not to steal it from a fellow archaeologist, and not to do it in front of a robot cop. Because robot cops haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
They might overreact — or even just shoot you during a friendly demonstration.
Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness Against Thy Neighbor
Neighbors were a huge problem in ’80s movies — from the boisterous ones in Neighbors to the possible cultist ones in The ‘Burbs to the vampiric one in Fright Night.
If you thought your neighbor in an ’80s movie was some kind of creep or supernatural villain, it was absolutely imperative that you got your facts straight before you called in the robot cops.
Or, in the case of Fright Night, you could also enlist the services of a local late-night TV host.
Thou Shalt Not Covet
Actually, never mind this one. As Gordon Gecko taught us in Wall Street, “Greed is good.”
Hey, it was the ’80s.
Yuppies ruled in ’80s movies, especially in movies starring Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko himself, and Michael J. Fox, who played an aspring yuppie in both Bright Lights Big City and The Secret of My Success. Yuppies in peril were a whole genre, in films ranging from After Hours to Fatal Attraction (starring Douglas again).
The yuppies in peril genre really took off in the 90s, when Hollywood started to investigate the consequences of all that ’80s greed. But that’s another list for another day.
Liked the 10 Commandments of ’80s Movies?
You might also like this list of Rad ’80s Movies Only Cool Kids Remember, or this list of All 5 Indiana Jones Movies Ranked.
Main image: Lori Singer and Kevin Bacon in Footloose.