Step inside the rambunctious mind of Emmy Award winning director/writer/animator Seth MacFarlane, as he gives us his 17 golden rules of moviemaking.

Famous for creating the oft-controversial animated series Family Guy in 1999, MacFarlane has already proven himself as a force within comedy—and then some: with two more adult comedy animation series American Dad! and The Cleveland Show. Dominating the animation world, though, was not enough. MacFarlane can now add successful movie director (and Oscar host!) to his resume. With 2012’s massive hit Ted, MacFarlane brought all of the quintessential humor of the Griffin family to the big screen. The movie, which starred Mark Wahlberg as a man whose best friend is a drug-taking, fowl mouthed teddy bear, holds the record of highest-grossing R rated comedy worldwide. Not bad for a first time director.

In honor of Family Guy’s return to the air on September 29th, we’re sharing 17 of MacFarlane’s (highly questionable) golden rules of moviemaking.

1. Directing a film is very similar to creating three animated series, except harder and not at all similar.

2. Don’t wear a beret, jodhpurs and riding boots to the set because crew guys say very hurtful things.

3. Mila Kunis isn’t going to show her boobs in your movie, especially not with what you’re paying her.

4. It’s fun to write a talking bear movie, but post-production will be harder than if you had just written a talking midget movie.

5. Remember, the critics are morons, unless the critics like your movie, in which case the critics are professionals worthy of respect.

6. Let people wander around aimlessly on set when Christian Bale is doing a take, because it’s funny what happens next.

7. When creating a fictional retarded character, it’s not okay to use the name of someone who used to bully you.

8. If you want to disinter John Wayne and put his reanimated corpse in your film, the studio will probably say no, because they’re corporate dickheads.

9. Always get an extra take for safety, because I’m telling you, the terrorists will stop at nothing.

10. It’s hard to build a film around a CGI character, but at least he can’t get drunk and say bad stuff about Jews.

11. Don’t yell “make-up!” on a real movie set in the hope that someone will get hit with a giant powder puff, because it turns out real movie sets aren’t that zany.

12. Keep a mic on Sylvester Stallone when he goes to his trailer for a quick blowjob.

13. If at first you don’t succeed, you’re probably finished in the film business.

14. Always remain true to your film’s original vision, unless that vision is of Eddie Murphy only having a limited number of words left.

15. Don’t admit you have no idea how to direct a film until afterward, in MovieMaker‘s “My Golden Rules.”

16. When in doubt, do what Roman Polanski would do. Except for… you know.

17. For the convenience of pregnant moviegoers in Texas, put a fetal ultrasound somewhere in your movie so they can legally go get an abortion after your film. MM