Elizabeth Blue: Using the Power of Film to Rewrite the Dialogue Surrounding Mental Illness

Joseph made it a point to tell our casting director and co-producer, Nicholas Lanier, about my illness, and not only that; he also gave him several of my medications and told him what to do if I had an schizophrenic episode and he wasn’t around. Luckily, Joseph was close by when I had my first one, which happened when we were auditioning for the role of Tim, eventually played by the incredibly talented Christopher Ashman. The character of Tim is based on a recurring hallucination I’ve had for many years that would say horrible things to me, as he does to Elizabeth in the film. We were about four actors into the audition process when I had to send Joseph a text to come get me. By the time he got me to his office I was in tears, sobbing hysterically as a result of hearing the actors say all the damaging things that this hallucination has actually said to me in the past. After taking a 45-minute Klonopin-induced nap I woke up and was fine and went back to casting. I didn’t allow the episode to keep me in some terrible state of mind.

There were other times on the set where I was overwhelmed by scenes that hit very close to home. In one scene, Elizabeth, played by the amazing Anna Schafer, wakes up and goes into a full-scale panic attack because she hears a train coming, which is exactly what happened to me one night. The performances from Anna and Ryan Vincent, who plays her fiancé Grant, were so intense and real that I started to have a panic attack myself and had to leave the set along with another crew member who suffers from anxiety. Even Anna and Joseph, who had to step in and finish the scene, had to take some time to regroup when they were done. Joseph also had to fill in for me in another scene between Anna and the wonderful Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, who plays Dr. Bowman, Elizabeth’s psychiatrist.

Crucially, we had prepared the cast and crew for the possibility of these types of scenarios, so when it happened no one was taken off guard. My advice to filmmakers faced with a potential complication on set: make sure your team knows about it. Don’t be embarrassed. Share it with them to empower them. Had I not prepped the cast and crew on my situation, I never would have received their incredible support.

I don’t consider myself different from any other filmmaker because I have a mental illness. To me, my situation is no different from that of a filmmaker who is diabetic or has a physical handicap, for example. I simply refuse to think of myself as different than anyone else for any reason. I don’t pretend I’m not mentally ill; in fact, I laugh about it. And while I obviously write and direct movies that reflect my own experience with mental illness, I’ve also made films about topics I haven’t experienced. My short film “Anonymous” is about a young man who was born and raised in a crack house. That never happened to me; I simply gravitated toward a short story I stumbled upon from a fantastic writer by the name of Lee Carrick.

I have no interest in placing myself in a box, or labeling myself as a “mentally ill filmmaker.” I recently had to address being called a “gay filmmaker.” Why, because I’m openly gay? To me that would be no different than labeling Kathryn Bigelow a “female filmmaker” or Steve McQueen a “black filmmaker.” They are both brilliant, and the idea of reducing either to a label is absurd. I’m just a filmmaker. A person. It doesn’t require a label. It also doesn’t allow you to make an excuse for not doing the job. Whether you have a disability or someone wants to place a label on you because it makes him or her feel better is irrelevant. As the filmmaker you have a responsibility to everyone on that set and in my opinion you don’t get to make excuses or to be lazy or take anything for granted.

When I showed up to set that first day, I was in awe and so humbled because I looked around at the crew and saw how hard they were working to bring my vision to life. No matter where you are in your career, the best advice I have for any filmmaker is to take a moment to ask yourself, “Could I do this alone?” I can already tell you the answer is, “No, you can’t!” You need every person on the set from the DP down to the PAs. I made it a point to know every single crew member’s name. It’s important. It’s respectful. I would never want to scream out, “Hey, you” to a teammate. When you take a moment to realize this it puts it all into perspective and at least for me, made me work that much harder. I made sure I told the crew how much I appreciated them every day. And because of that, I had a crew that worked that much harder for me.

I’m hoping that Elizabeth Blue can shed some light on the everyday experience of dealing with mental illness, and encourage people to talk about schizophrenia in a more normalized way. The many preconceived notions and misconceptions people have about mental illness keep me motivated to try to change up the conversation surrounding it. One of the most aggravating misconceptions is that multiple personality disorder and schizophrenia are the same thing. For as far as we have come, there is still a huge lack of understanding. We see drug commercials for anxiety, bipolar disorder, PTSD and depression, but you don’t see or hear anything about schizophrenia. Why? Because it scares the shit out of people, and that fear comes from a lack of knowledge. What people do know about schizophrenia comes from films and TV shows that portray schizophrenic characters locked up, covered in feces, screaming, or some other nonsense.

A popular impression is that people with schizophrenia can’t live normal, full lives and function day-to-day. I’m proof that you can—but as mentioned earlier, it’s a choice. You have to choose to take your medications, you have to choose to get out of bed and shower, you have to choose to live life to the fullest and not let a disorder get in your way, no matter what you suffer from. This goes for anyone in any career.

The downside about wanting to pursue a career in the entertainment industry is that no one gives a damn about where you went to school, who you’re related too, how much money you have, how long you’ve been pursuing your career, or whether you’ve had a hit or not. There’s no rulebook, and no one is guaranteed to have or retain success in this business. If there is one thing that I hope other filmmakers might gain from reading about my journey, it’s that this work is not easy—but if you love it, it’s worth every step. So work hard, make projects you’re passionate about, surround yourself with good, like-minded people, keep fighting the good fight and remember, you can’t make everyone happy. So don’t try to. MM

Elizabeth Blue opens in theaters in select cities September 22, 2017, courtesy of Global Digital Releasing. Images courtesy of Global Digital Releasing.

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