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John Waters
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Writing the Script
1. No comedy should be longer than 90 minutes. There’s no such thing as a good long joke.
2. Thinking up characters is easy; the narrative (what makes a hit) is always the hard part.
3. Never make a film about your grandmother unless she’s a serial killer.
4. The first draft of your script should never be read by anybody. What you call your “first draft” should be your third, fourth or even tenth pass.
5. If you can get an NC-17 rating without using any sex or violence, you’ll be called a genius.
Raising the Budget
1. Never hate the rich. Poor people are not known to invest in movies.
2. Pot dealers are usually movie buffs and make for good silent partners.
3. Never ask a friend or family member for money for your film if you don’t think they have a chance to make it back.
4. When you try to sell your film with a treatment, always include a mock-up of an ad campaign so you look like you’re thinking like a money person.
5. Pay for the music you use in your soundtrack now. It costs a lot more later if you don’t.
Directing
1. No matter what you’ve heard, contention on the set does not lead to creativity.
2. Go to a lot of trouble to make friends with the neighbors before you shoot on location. Throw them a party. Let them think they’ll be discovered.
3. Having sex with any member of your cast is a bad idea—crew is better.
4. Teamsters will beat up people off the set if you ask them quietly and politely.
5. When directing a big star, never show fear. They want you to tell them what to do.
Promoting the Film
1. Who cares which photographer shoots you for each magazine? It’s the retouch budget that counts.
2. If you are a bald director, make sure you have a baseball cap handy to wear on set because electronic press kit crews will always want to film you from behind to “see what the director sees.”
3. On international press tours, never tell customs inspectors you’re in their country for “business”—the red tape hell will smother you like an avalanche.
4. You can’t be friends with film critics, no matter how much they like your first movie.
5. Movies people like at film festivals are not always the ones they like in real life.
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This story was published in the Summer 2004 MovieMaker Magazine. The headline was:
My Golden Rules
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