If you're going to read this column, we must first verify your qualifications. How many of these items apply to you?

1. You own a video camera. Or rent or borrow one on a regular basis. You've considered stealing, but would never do so.

2. You would like to work on film. But you don't feel like you're slumming with video. You realize part of the reason film users look down on your projects is because they are jealous of video's immediacy. They have to wait for film to develop. They have to splice. They have to wait nine months for a $5,000 grant to make a three-minute film.

3. You are a dictator. But a nice one. Videoteurs don't throw their weight around merely for the sake of throwing their weight around. If that were the case, you'd be working at the Post Office. You simply know where your aptitude lies and you're not afraid to apply it.

4. You will do anything to finish a project. This is the one instance in your life where you would consider selling your body. Videoteurs don't have the patience to wait around for completion grants. Otherwise, you are the Grand Pimp. All the world's a stage, and actors are your prostitutes.

5. You like to make TV. But you don't necessarily like to watch it.. Maybe Brady Bunch reruns, but other than that, you don't have the time. You're too busy working a dumb fulltime job and making videos in your spare time. If you do watch TV, you prefer to rent something. Television only has meaning to you if you're inserting a cassette into a VCR.

6. Your influences come from many sources. Not just movies, but from all the wonderful TV you grew up with. You take it for granted that all people you meet can recall all the Speed Racer episodes. You are obsessed with popular culture in general. Troll dolls never fail to catch your eye. You ponder the secret lives of wage slaves who hand out samples at Hickory Farms.

7. You wear many hats. You are probably your own cameraperson. You make your own props, write your own scripts, act, do music- whatever it takes to finish your projects. You don't necessarily have talent in all these areas, but that's not a concern of yours. You are the author of your project and your influence must be felt in every aspect. MM