February 12, 2012

Bad Dads (10 Movie Dads Who Make You Celebrate Your Own)

by Goldy Moldavsky | Published June 15, 2011

Robin Williams is Mrs. Doubtfire (1993).

If Father’s Day reminds us to do anything besides send a card, it’s to look back at the movie dads of yesteryear to see just how awful they really were. So, pretending Atticus Finch never existed, we bring you a list of bad dads, counting them down from Pretty Bad to Worst. Father. Ever.

10. Daniel Hillard/Euphegenia Doubtfire in Mrs. Doubtfire
Daniel Hillard (Robin Williams) is generally regarded as a good dad who would do absolutely anything to be around his kids. But let’s not forget what got him into this cross-dressing predicament in the first place: Sally Field was divorcing him for being a bad dad who couldn’t hold down a job or keep from messing up his kids’ birthday parties. Yes, he spent hours getting into makeup and creating a new persona just to be able to spend time with his kids as their new babysitter, but does anyone ever think of the poor little girl who had to sit back and watch her nanny’s face peel off at the dinner table, only to reveal her absentee dad underneath, obviously eaten alive? And what about the son who had to find out his dad’s secret by watching a granny pee standing up? No kid should have to end up in therapy through these traumatic experiences.

9. Jack Byrnes in Meet the Parents, etc.
In Meet the Parents, Ben Stiller plays Greg, a guy with the worst luck in the world (his given name is Gaylord, after all). But that would just be an unfortunate circumstance if it wasn’t for the watchful eye of his future father-in-law, Jack (Robert DeNiro), a former CIA operative who is dangerously protective of his daughter and already highly suspicious of Greg. Jack puts Greg through a lie detector test, gives him a hard time about being a male nurse and argues with him about milking anything with nipples. Greg goes from being a guy with the worst luck in the world to a guy with the worst luck in the world and the worst father-in-law.

8. Dr. Evil in Austin Powers
Having to grow up in a lair would make any kid angry. But Scott Evil (Seth Green) has an especially large bone to pick with his dad. No matter how diabolical Scott tries to be, he’ll never live up to his father’s expectations of him. Dr. Evil (Mike Myers) names Mini-Me as his heir and, after having to fight the little guy for his dad’s affection, he even goes on Jerry Springer in an episode entitled “My Dad is Evil and Wants to Take Over the World!” Also, Dr. Evil consistently tells him to “zip it” when Scott’s got a logical idea to voice (which could get annoying to Scott, but is pretty funny for us).

7. Royal Tenenbaum in The Royal Tenenbaums
Even though he raised three genius children, Mr. Tenenbaum (Gene Hackman) is still a failure as a father. He singles one son out as his obvious favorite, constantly introduces his adopted daughter as his “adopted daughter” and steals from, intentionally shoots and gets sued by his third child. Having pushed his children into greatness only to be disappointed by them, Royal fakes a bout of stomach cancer to get back into his now-estranged children’s lives. By movie’s end, Royal is redeemed; his kids, however, are still screwed up.

6. Wayne Szalinski in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids
I’m pretty sure the title of the movie says it all. But just in case you haven’t seen the hit 1989 flick, lets elaborate: Wayne Szalinski is a “wacky” inventor who apparently doesn’t know any better than to not leave his ridiculously unsafe inventions lying around the house. When the neighbor’s kid’s ball crashes through his window (as neighbor’s kid’s balls often do), the kids get caught in the shrink ray’s way and shrink to tiny, ant-sized things. Wayne not only takes them out with the trash, he nearly eats them for breakfast. In the 1992 sequel to the movie, Rick Moranis learns from his mistakes and this time succeeds in blowing up his toddler. Hilarious family films, or alarming cause for a call to child services? You decide.